Sunday Morning Darshan

I woke up this morning with a fresh perspective to my recent baffling challenges– remembering a vision from a Hebrew Priestess Journey where I was a piece of copper being hammered, this morning i realize that every knock or bang or being hammered by Life, is really just forging my Instrument and the instrument that is being created is developing a beautiful, clear, strong sound; of this I am sure. And lately it is taking less and less time for me to burn through lessons before the Universe says, “got it, time to move on”. To be honest, this is a bit exhausting and I’d really like a rest and some stability. But I also have to accept that if rest and stability are not what’s happening in my life, that I have in some way, asked for that.  That last sentence is tricky and could get distorted, so let me clarify….

My Soul Contract: I see your Truth. I see your Light. I see your Beauty. I hold up the mirror so you can see yourself. It can be uncomfortable to be seen, but I see without judgement and hold your vulnerability with compassion. Can you do the same for yourself?


A good friend posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, and I know she meant it to help me.  The caption read,

“Life is a mirror. What we put out to the universe we receive back ten fold.

Be a douchebag & you’ll be surrounded by douches. 😱

Be the light & you will be shining as bright as a star by the people around you.”

It came attached to this graphic, which is essential truth, but gets really distorted in our McYoga culture:

life is not happening to you

A popular New Age belief that we draw in what we put out- so in this scenario, I’m drawing hostility and unfairness and injury  regarding my housing predicament because I put out hostility and unfairness and injury into the world, so it’s karmic retribution. That’s where we get it WRONG. That’s over-simplification, and just plain incorrect!

Universal Law is much more nuanced than that– What “Life is responding to you”, really means is hard quantify, but best understood through case examples: In my current case, we can surmise  that at some point prior to my incarnation (this time) I created a soul contract that was heavy on the evolution and burning through ego. I signed a soul contract that chose pure, non-egoic Truth over all the ways we humans like to distort and evade our full potential, so when I am in a scenario that doesn’t match that soul contract, I am given the opportunity to choose something more in alignment.   If I don’t correctly perceive what is going on, or dig my heals in and refuse to see the karmic writing on the wall, that’s where suffering and problems enter.  So even when my earth-plane self says, “no, it’s ok, I can live with this person berating me and blaming me for things for a little while, till i get my feet under me” The Universe says, NO! this person is unable to receive the gifts you have to offer and it is not in your highest good to be participating in these dynamics.

The more karmic schumtz I clear away, the more I strengthen my Vessel/Instrument to be what I incarnated to be, the quicker these lessons are learned.  For example: I lived for 10 years in the home I owned next door to a psychopath who abused her children, her dog and threatened and harassed me. 10 whole torturous years! In this pass of the spiral, it only took a month before I saw it clearly and am taking action to remedy my participation in it. That’s progress!

And when I look back even to my time in Peru and the traumatic events that happened around housing, i see that I internalized them and felt like it was happening because there was something “wrong” with me; This time, I see how I am in integrity in not making it about me. In all of these housing crazinessess, when i look back, there were always clues, but i exercised the belief that no situation is perfect and you have to make the best of what you’re given, you have to be flexible, go with the flow. To be honest, that belief still holds allure. It sounds so *reasonable*. But beneath it is a shadow belief that I’m not worth something that meets all my needs, or I can’t receive what I really need, or even that I’m not able to trust my discernment–that I can’t tell the difference between an egoic need to puff up my sense of self with a McMansion and my Organic Self’s need- a safe, beautiful space with room for quiet contemplation and joyful community connection, surrounded by natural beauty. What is wanting to happen, however is for me to completely let go of ideas of what is required, how I should be, what is reasonable and to just feel into what I need.

….what wants to happen…what wants to be expressed , after the veils of ego have been removed?

And that’s another misconception I want to clear up– that Ego is always about greed and self-aggrandizement.  Effective management of the ego is not about making ourselves smaller– it’s about being the size that we are.  A bear shouldn’t try to be mouse sized and a mouse is not going to be very effective at bear-ing.

Don’t make yourself smaller or larger than you are. Be you-sized.

While that is certainly true in many cases, at the root, Ego is about a false self, or a need that has been twisted. It’s an expression that has been distorted from Essence. Humility is thought to be a Universal wonderful trait, but it can also be an expression of ego. If you are being humbler than your Unique Vibration is meant to be, that is not in service to anyone.

My Divine Jewels- what I'm hear to bring. This is the size I actually am.
My Divine Jewels- what I’m hear to bring in service of Healing

So in my case, Ego has been about wanting/allowing myself to receive too little- less than my Organic Self truly needs. Ego in my case has been about compromising and settling, when Essence’s manifestation would have been Unwavering Truth and Strength in my pursuit of a home that adequately supports my soul’s mission and my body’s earth plane needs. The manifestation of ego has been smallifying myself to fit in with others, b/c i thought that would help me belong. I am so grateful that my Source is steadfast in helping me manifest the fullness of what my Essence is really here to express, even when my ego is always trying to settle for something more shriveled.


Because, at heart, I am a teacher, I’ve decided to start including practices you can use to explore the ideas discussed in your own life.  At some point, I may even go back and add them to old posts (or maybe not).

Take Home Practice:

  • look for the deeper essential truth in popular new-age sayings.  Notice if it feels different in your body and how it feels, when you touch into it’s Essence.
  • If you’ve been working with a spiritual issue for a while and not seeing any movement, try flipping it around and imagine/try out the opposite solution.   Eg- if you feel like you should speak up more in groups and try to do that but it still feels yucky, challenge that should– try examining what the gifts of silence/invisibility/listening are.  Temporarily set aside your ideas and values of how things are supposed to work and look at what your experience is actually showing you. Sit with that in the spirit of open-hearted curiosity.

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