I’ve been undergoing a deep and long crisis/initiation/transformation. Only very recently have I begun to realize that my seeming failings, and the Universe’s seeming lack of support are anything but. Every painful event unfolding in my life has a deeper, most beneficial purpose. Themes center around things “not working out”; one of which is my dearth of success in the professional world, despite being smart, hard-working, skilled, talented, conscientious, open to feedback, etc.
The reason I don’t fit in and am increasingly quickly cast out of jobs etc. hasn’t to do with any failing on my part. Of this, I am now sure. It is my higher Spirit, guiding me towards what I am really meant to offer the planet and her inhabitants. Yes, without a doubt I do believe I have something of value to offer in service of healing and transformation at this time. And every time I choose to conform, even if it is “just temporary” and even if it is with a seemingly aligned institution, Spirit removes me from the situation in 1 way or another…because I am meant to walk the edges of this world and the one that is now being birthed into being and not to “join” any existing institution or agency. And what I have to offer is threatening to the many of us that are still running on the current of fear (including fear of change) and haven’t started or completed the switch to running on the new current. It took me a long time to realize this, b/c i myself still partially run on the current of fear. And yet, not completely upgraded myself, I am being called to initiate others into the Upgrade.
What do I mean by “upgrade”? I scarcely know myself. I’m receiving this info in transmissions and have much exploration to do. My job is to continually clear the gunk that manifests in holding on to the old ways (looking for traditional employment, needing electricity, traditional notions of security, old ideas of what belonging looks like, etc) and open myself as an energetic channel and to do the next right thing. I now realize that the difficulties I’ve been experiencing haven’t been because the world is cruel and I’m being punished; it’s because I’m meant to be shaken to my core, so that things can settle back in a new configuration and the unneeded can fall away.
To be able to accept what is placed in front of me and not resist it in any way but see what it has to teach me. And despite the fact that this is on some level, an individual initiation, I do feel that leaning on community and allowing myself to receive and be supported is an essential part of this learning. I’m also getting the download that depending on institutions and agencies is NOT what is meant to be, and that is why they haven’t proven useful. No, this dismantling is meant to be much more personal….the needs, the vulnerability, the asking, the alms, the receiving is meant to build a web of connection, whether that is through virtual or in person ways. It is perfect. My frustration is perfect. Your not understanding is perfect. Agencies being backlogged and having no money is perfect. Everything is rising to the surface to either be cleared/dissipate or be noticed and healed.
Do I sound defensive about this topic? That’s because I am….and b/c this little seedling, this sometimes barely a whisper, this little cub of a bear that is growing inside me is in need of protection….even protection from well-meaning interfering. When it is stronger, perhaps I can just stand in my wisdom and knowing, but at this stage, one well-intentioned, “have you tried temp agencies?!?” can wipe out the inkling that is just inside my peripheral knowingness that all my energy needs to be directed toward what is Becoming and to trust my resistance to going back and trying what used to work.
Here is a personal experience that wants to bubble to the surface for clearing, learning, integrating and healing:
Recently, I’ve been noticing a complete lack of awareness of the privilege that stability brings, and what it enables us to do. I know I was very unaware when i had stability. I thought it was of my own volition that I was able to vision, dream, and execute a plan of action; to feel confident about applying for a job or even to write up a resume; to think i had something worthy of offering others. I never realized that was at least partly due to feeling secure in having a roof over my head….for that roof to be in the same place every night…to sleeping securely knowing no one would knock on my door and ask to see papers, to not having every item go flying every time i made a turn or went over a bump;… to having the physical strength to restore order when my home got chaotic….
…..Or accepting a job feeling confident I would be able to come to work each day and not be sidelined by unimaginable fatigue or immobilized by agoraphobia and frozen by PTSD….to be able to think clearly enough to encapsulate what i am offering to put it on a resume or design a workshop….to have the faith and trust that if i put my effort and skill into something, more often than not, it would bear fruit…that i would know where my next meal was coming from….that i could be assured of keeping my perishables cold, and if my refrigerator broke, i could afford or have enough credit to fix or replace it. That I could plug my computer into an outlet and it would charge and more often than not, i could have the internet to access whatever resources i needed….of living in the same city for a long enough time that i was familiar with the resources and understood how to access them…that resources would be available to me b/c i was an official resident of that city and not turned away b/c i didn’t have documentation or was from a different part of the country.
These are things I can no longer take for granted, and as I try to gear up for earning an income in some shape or form, I find that what used to feel like a surmountable challenge feels insurmountable. When you spend the majority of the day trying to figure out what’s next or how/if you can figure out how to fix what broke today or if you are going to get another overdraft charge or trying to find a place with free wi-fi and trying to find your old phone that didn’t melt, and where are you going to sleep tonight and do you have enough food to last 2.5 more weeks until another round of food stamps, and trying to do all this with little energy and tremendous brain fog, the suggestion to try a temp agency is not welcome and not useful and also, it should be noted, already considered. And the idea that you have trouble with employment b/c of xyz is just exhausting to respond to.
What you may not know, when you make uninformed “helpful” suggestions, is that every attempt I’ve made at returning to normalcy, even as a temporary stop gap measure, or attempt to “help myself” in conventional ways, has only invited more destruction and loss in my world; so your encouragement to follow conventional wisdom is actually harmful. I don’t yet know how to navigate and be self-sufficient in this new way that is unfolding. But I know with every fiber of my being that it is not going to happen by returning to the old ways and every attempt I make to cling to the normal ways of dealing with things yields a ruthless (yet ultimately beneficial) visit from Kali. I may not know what to do in a given moment or predicament, but I trust implicitly that what is unfolding is for the highest good. And b/c I’m keeping up with my practices for clearing and centering, I can also trust that when I have an impulse to do something or not do something seemingly logical, that I can trust it, even if it doesn’t yield immediate satisfying or comforting results.
But believe it or not, all of this is actually a Red Herring– a subterfuge. Yes, these barriers to finding employment are real, but encoded within them is also a gift; an invitation to take my rattled self, and shake and vibrate and rattle it into more and more of who I came here to be. So for the observer/supporter, the invitation is to not judge, not assume you know or understand what the other person needs, and dialectically, to trust in the possibility of some Greater Organinizing Principle/Force at work. Give the support that is asked for if you are able and refrain from giving unsolicited advice.
Take Home Practice:
If you find yourself in this dynamic with another undergoing crisis/tranformation etc., and want to shift how you relate to it AND possibly be of greater benefit to your friend or loved one, try these suggestions on for size:
1. DON’T ASSUME you know what would be best for someone else; ask them.
2.DON’T ASSUME you know why a person acts/doesn’t act in a given situation; assume there is a valid and wise reason.
3. Trust the magic and higher wisdom is operating in someone’s life, even if on the surface it appears to be dysfunctional.
4. ASK the person what would be useful to them. If they are not sure, offer a few different options. Often the most useful thing you can do is simply to be Present, listen and witness; Befriend and Tend to what their experience is like.
5. REFRAIN from giving advice
6. If you feel strongly about something concerning another, TURN INWARDS and see what it is teaching you about your own life….e.g. with the example where my friend suggested i try temp agency work, she might have noticed how this urge showed up in her own body and what if anything it was tied to– her own security fears? her own inability to break free of the system? her own inability to tolerate ambiguity? her own ability to sit with discomfort and not knowing? and work with those.
If anything in this post or blog touches a spark in you and you’d like to contribute to my fundraiser, donations are *greatly* needed and appreciated. At the moment, I’m needing funds to buy a new mattress after 2 got flooded, to register and title my rv so it doesn’t get impounded, to pay for gas to get back to Oregon, so I can access my healthcare, and to make repairs so the fridge and generator work as they’re supposed to and I can fill the clean water tank. https://www.youcaring.com/jess-s-549117